Hi Jake,
I like to have my fun. When I first came out, I went straight into a relationship with a neighbor I’d started secretly hooking up with. So when that ended, I realized I’d never really had much experience with casual sex.
Now that that’s over, I’ve been making up for lost time. I get around. Grindr, bars, Sniffies. I even hit the bathhouse every once in a while. And honestly, I’m having a great time!!
The downside is that it’s not exactly easy to keep track of everyone I’ve slept with. I don’t have a roster, and if I’m being really honest, I barely remember most of their names.
How about we take this to the next level?
Subscribe to our newsletter for a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
So, the other day, I hooked up with a guy. Everything was great, and afterward, while we were lying in bed, I said, “You were fun. I’m glad we met.” He looked at me and said, “What do you mean? We hooked up earlier this year.”
Oops.
I told him I honestly didn’t remember, and he was clearly offended. He rolled his eyes, got out of bed, got dressed, and left. So now I’m wondering: Is it really that abnormal to forget someone you’ve slept with? Do I need to start keeping better “records” of my sex life? Or is this just one of those hilariously awkward hookup stories I’ll eventually laugh about with my friends?
Déjà Who?
Dear Déjà Who?,
First of all, I want to normalize something. We don’t always remember everyone we’ve met, talked to, and yes, even had sex with. Our brains can only hold onto so much. Some people stick in our memories, and others just kind of fade away. It’s not the end of the world when that happens, even if a few feelings get hurt along the way.
At the same time, I get why he was annoyed. Maybe you meant something to him. Maybe he had feelings about you, whether it was about the connection or the sex itself. So finding out you didn’t even remember him probably felt a little like rejection. Like, “Oh, I guess I was so forgettable that you don’t even remember we’ve already done this before.”
Maybe you’ve experienced some version of that yourself. You run into someone you remember meeting before, only to realize they have absolutely no idea who you are. It can sting a little. But eventually, you have to accept that just because someone made an impression on you doesn’t necessarily mean you made the same impression on them.
And being forgotten doesn’t necessarily mean you were forgettable. Sometimes it says less about you than it does about the way another person experiences or remembers a particular interaction. Two people can have the exact same sexual experience and walk away from it feeling very differently.
Which brings me back to you. I’m all for you enjoying your best slut life. As long as it’s working for you, that seems like a gay rite of passage worth having (I write a lot about sex, relationships, and gay life in my Ask Jake newsletter).
But I might get a little curious if you’re noticing a pattern. Is sex something you enjoy in the moment, and then you simply move on? Was forgetting this guy an exception, or do most of your hookups become a blur afterward? Do you ever want to see the same person again or get to know them beyond the bedroom? Or does the idea of that make you uncomfortable?
There’s nothing wrong with sex being purely physical. Sometimes that’s exactly what we want it to be. But if you notice that you never want a second encounter, or lose interest the moment there’s an actual connection, that’s when I’d get curious about what’s underneath it.
Maybe novelty is simply what turns you on. Maybe this is a period of sexual exploration you’re thoroughly enjoying. Or maybe keeping things anonymous and fleeting gives you a way to experience intimacy without ever having to feel particularly vulnerable.
You definitely don’t need to start keeping a spreadsheet of everyone you’ve slept with. And forgetting one guy doesn’t mean there’s something seriously wrong with you.
Just pay attention to whether this was a funny one-off or part of a pattern that tells you something about yourself. You can enjoy all the casual sex you want while still being curious about what you’re getting from it—and what you might be avoiding.
As for this particular encounter, I think you’ve earned yourself a hilariously awkward hookup story you’ll probably laugh about with your friends for years.
Just maybe don’t tell him that. 🙂
If you like your Ask Jake a little more explicit, check out Ask Jake: After Dark—my subscriber-only series for the questions that are too provocative, messy, or wild for me to answer here. Or subscribe for free at askjaketherapy.com to get the regular Ask Jake column delivered straight to your inbox each week.
Sign up for theQueerty newsletterto stay on top of the hottest stories in LGBTQ+ entertainment, politics, and culture.