Hi Jake,
I’m 29 and lately I’ve started to feel like my twink era is coming to an end. I know that probably sounds ridiculous because I’m obviously not old (I don’t think!?), but it’s freaking me out.
I’ve always been skinny and boyish, and since I came out, that’s been a big part of the attention I’ve gotten from guys. I’ve been called a twink more times than I can count and I like it. Somewhere along the way I think it kinda became my whole identity (half my wardrobe is baby tees, crop tops, and tiny running shorts, and my Grindr handle has been “Twink182” for a decade. LOL.)
But lately I’ve started noticing some changes in how I look. My face looks a little more grown-up, and I’m starting to fill out a little. A guy even called me “handsome” the other day, and I was thinking, “What happened to cute???” I don’t think I want to be “handsome” yet!
How about we take this to the next level?
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I know aging is inevitable, and I know plenty of hot guys aren’t 23-year-old twinks. But I think what scares me is that I don’t really know who I’m supposed to be next. If being young and boyish has given me confidence most of my adult life, what happens when I’m not that guy anymore?
Twink and You’ll Miss It
Dear Twink and You’ll Miss It,
It’s no secret that gay culture tends to reward and value youth. We celebrate smooth skin, pretty boyish faces, and tight bodies that look like they’ve barely come out of the oven. And many of us spend a lot of time, money, and effort trying to maintain that youthful look for as long as we can.
When you’ve fit that ideal for most of your adult life, it’s understandable that you’d enjoy the attention that comes with it. And let’s face it, being desired feels good, even when the attention is based on something as fleeting as youth.
In a sense, youth is a kind of currency in gay culture. You have something people admire, envy, or desire, so it gives you status. Sure, not everyone is into twinks, but plenty of guys are. And when you get enough attention for something, it’s easy to start building your sense of self-worth around it.
As you’re starting to discover, there’s a catch. Youth doesn’t last forever. Everyone ages. Everyone. And eventually, we have to figure out who we are beyond how young we look.
Which brings me to the guy who dared to call you “handsome.” I have to admit, I chuckled at that. Here’s a guy giving you a compliment, and you practically filed a lawsuit for slander.
But I think your reaction says something important. You’re so used to being desired for looking cute and boyish that being seen as something else, even something positive, feels like a loss. Who says being a little less boyish means you’re going to be any less attractive?
Look at Troye Sivan. He’s been pretty much the poster boy for twinks, and even he looks a little more grown-up these days. Personally, I think he’s looking better than ever. There’s something sexy about that evolution, too. I’d encourage you to look at your own changes with a little more curiosity and a little less dread. You don’t have to throw away your baby tees, but you might discover new things about your appearance, personality, or sexuality that you enjoy as you get older.
I’m also wondering whether you’ve become so attached to being a twink that you’ve lost sight of some of the other things that make you, well, you.
What qualities do you value in yourself? What makes you interesting, lovable, or sexy beyond being young and cute? The more you build confidence in those parts of yourself, the less you’ll need to rely on being a twink to feel desirable.
You don’t have to trade one gay identity for another, either. There’s no rule that says you graduate from twink to twunk to daddy on some predetermined timeline. In fact, you don’t have to fit into any category at all.
No matter how hard you try, there’s no way to freeze yourself in eternal Twinkdom. And maybe you don’t need to figure out what comes next just yet. You can just be you for a while, without a label, and get comfortable with it. And you never know—maybe Twink Death isn’t an ending at all, but the beginning of something even better.
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