Following Thursday night’s presidential debate, in which Joe Biden and Donald Trump faced off for the first time since 2020, Jon Stewart broadcasted live from the Daily Show desk. And the late-night host didn’t mince words regarding the bleak picture painted by both candidates’ performances.
Upon seeing 78-year-old Trump and 81-year-old Biden walk onstage, Stewart said he needed “to call a real estate agent in New Zealand.” He then cycled through clips of the candidates’ biggest missteps.
When Biden seemingly mistook saving Medicare with beating it, Stewart leveled the camera with a dismayed look. “Okay, a high-pressure situation,” he began. “A lot of times, you can confuse saving Medicare with beating it. I’m sure it’s not something that repeated throughout the debate, causing Democrats across the country to either jump out of windows or vomit silently into the nearest recycling bin. Anybody can fuck up…talking. A lot of people have resting 25th amendment face.” Stewart soon conceded, “I’m not a political expert, but while Biden was preparing at Camp David—for a week—did anyone mention he would also be on camera?”
His frustration escalated when Biden bungled a question about the overturning of Roe v. Wade, a law which the president later tweeted, “If I’m re-elected, I’m going to restore.” When Trump used the moment to his advantage, Stewart asked, “So how do we do this now? Do I take [Trump’s] car back to the White House tonight?”
But the Republican candidate was not safe from Stewart’s wrath, either. “Just so we’re all clear: Everything that Donald Trump said in that clip is a lie,” he said after playing a montage of several of Trump’s claims. “Blatant and full. And we were tight on time putting this shit together. There’s plenty more. Really makes you wonder: What’s RFK Jr. doing tonight?”
A defeated-looking Stewart concluded that after tonight’s debate, “both of these men should be using performance-enhancing drugs, as much of it as they can get, as many times a day as their bodies will allow.” He continued, “If performance-enhancing drugs will improve their lucidity, their ability to solve problems—and in one of the candidate’s cases, improve their truthfulness, morality, and malignant narcissism—then suppository away.”
At the very least, Stewart—who will next go live with The Daily Show after the September 10 debate rematch—added, “if there aren’t actually performance-enhancing drugs for these candidates, I could sure fucking use some recreational ones right now. Because this cannot be real life. It just can’t. Fuck, we’re America!”