Childhood is pretty hard in the real world, but in the realm of ‘90s movies it seems like a bunch of unique scenarios could crop up. From the mundane to the far flung, if you’re a ’90s movie kid, these are some of the scenarios you’re more than likely going to have to face. So grab a juice box, and prepare accordingly through the contents of this list.
You Might Have A Secret Twin
Whether your parents separated when you were young, like in the The Parent Trap remake, or you just stumble upon your doppelganger straight out of the It Takes Two playbook, you might have a secret twin. Though you may not necessarily need to be a kid to learn a secret Parent Trap style connection actually exists in your life.
If There Are Witches Around, They May Try To Eat You
Look, witches aren’t all bad, and deserve much more respect than they’re given. But if they happen to cook up magic potions like those wicked magic users from The Witches and Hocus Pocus, they might be plotting to have you for dinner. So just be sure you have an adult you know and trust to fall back on, in case things get dangerous.
Sports Will Bond You To Some Of Your Best Friends
You don’t even need to be good at sports to learn that sports like baseball, hockey, or any other athletic competition are good bonding exercises. Be it childhood experiences playing like The Sandlot and The Mighty Ducks series, or even the supernatural luck for your favorite team like that of Angels in the Outfield, sports can lead to some pretty great relationships.
Greedy Grownups Are The Ultimate Villains
Are you attached to a very special animal? Do you happen to be the heir to a massive fortune, with every convenience in life? Is a creep trying to turn your summer camp into a factory for skinny winners? Congratulations: you’ve learned through films like Gordy, Richie Rich, and Heavyweights that greedy adults are the ultimate heels; and you have permission to show them what for.
If You’re Without Adult Supervision For Too Long, Chaos Will Undoubtedly Ensue
In this overall scenario, you are a child of the ‘90s. As such, you’re still learning life lessons, and need some adult supervision to make sure that helpful knowledge really sinks in. If you lack that sort of oversight, then you’ll probably find yourself in chaotic situations like those in Home Alone, House Arrest, and Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead.
If You Try To Tell Your Parents What’s Going On, They Won’t Get The Message Or They Won’t Believe You
Parents love to think that you ‘90s movie kids are too young to really know the score. In their eyes, Tony Perkis (Ben Stiller) of Heavyweights only has your best interests at heart. Or in the remake of Miracle on 34th Street, that gentleman that looks like Sir Richard Attenborough couldn’t really be Santa, could he? Don’t let that stop you from spreading the truth.
When The Adults Fail To Take Down The Bad Guy, You Will Just Have To Do It Yourself
This is your house! You have to defend it with some of the best booby traps of Home Alone when adults fail to stop villains. This lesson seems especially important in John Hughes movies, as even Dennis The Menace and Baby’s Day Out saw kids foil those that would do them harm.
You’ll Probably Realize The Adults Are Going Throuhg Their Own Stuff Too
Childhood in a ‘90s movie may seem like it’s rough on us kids, but sometimes the adults are going through some troubles themselves. For every pee-wee football war like the one in Little Giants, there’s a pair of brothers (Rick Moranis and Ed O’Neill) settling a sibling grudge on the gridiron. Or if you’re Bonnie Hunt and Robin Williams in Jumanji, decades of mysterious circumstances come to a head when a magic board game threatens to eat you alive.
That Big Lie WILL Catch Up With You
Secrets secrets are no fun, unless we’re all a part of them. Which means that scenarios such as Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead and Camp Nowhere, where a whole bunch of kids are keeping a gigantic secret/lie of omission to run wild, are just waiting to fall apart. That big lie will catch up to you, and the consequences might not be pretty.
If Robin Williams Is Around, Things Could Get Out Of Hand Quickly
Oh Robin Williams: patron saint of ‘90s family movies, and a comedic actor who had an amazing dramatic side. If he’s appearing in your ‘90s movie, things could get out of hand really quickly. Especially if you’re in a magical situation like Ferngully: The Last Rainforest or Aladdin where his chaotic wisdom could lead to even more danger.
Sometimes Your Protector Is a Person You Least Expect
Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) and the T-800 (Arnold Schwarzenegger) have one big thing in common: they weren’t meant to protect children. Yet in Jurassic Park and Terminator 2: Judgment Day respectively, both of these authority figures went from least likely protectors to MVPs in keeping kids alive in situations involving dinosaurs and artificial intelligence.
Martial Art Skills Will Prove To Be Extremely Useful
‘90s movies loved to mix kung fu with the youth of tomorrow. If you happened to be born and raised in martial arts like in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Three Ninjas, and Surf Ninjas, then you can practically do anything. So long as it’s trying to foil evil crime lords or dictators. This won’t get you an A on your math test.
Magic Could Get You Into, And Possibly Out Of, Messes
Magic can open doors you normally wouldn’t be able to walk through as a ‘90s movie kid. Those doors open both ways though, as you could find yourself trying to find yourself in the ultimate mom swap in Trading Mom, or you might accidentally release the Sanderson Sisters from Hocus Pocus.
Another World Is Hiding in Plain Sight
You never know what sort of excitement lurks out in the world, even if you’re a pretty open minded person. Secret societies like that of The Borrowers, or magical movie tickets like the one that sends Danny Madigan (Austin O’Brien) into the crazy world of Jack Slater (Arnold Schwarzenegger’s favorite role) in The Last Action Hero can turn things on their head at a moment’s notice. Just remember: in our world, the bad guys can win.
Your Parents Work Too Much
If you’re a ‘90s kid, you may find that your parents work way too hard. This is especially true around the holidays, as both Jingle All The Way and The Santa Clause start off with dads who are a little too focused on their number 1 customers and not their kids. And that’s a decision that comes back to bite the parents, rather than the kids.
Those Niche Hobbies Of Yours Are Just Waiting To Pay Off
Are you really good at Nintendo games, or happen to fancy yourself a hacker with a Linux system? Well don’t worry, all the jokes and frustration adults and fellow children have because of that fact are going to pay off. At least, that would be the case if you happen to inhabit the respective worlds of The Wizard or Jurassic Park.
Be VERY Careful What You Wish For
Big ticket wishes can lead to some serious consequences. As if Aladdin wasn’t enough of a lesson in being very careful what you wish for, movies like Liar Liar and A Simple Wish further proved that the best intentions mean nothing when chaos magic is in the air. So word those wishes carefully.
Animal Conservation Is A Dangerous Cause
Whales, geese, and polar bears all need the protection of humanity. ‘90s movie throwbacks like Free Willy, Fly Away Home, and Alaska all prove that point rather well. Usually saving these creatures is a result of trying to strengthen or find a family bond that’s been lacking. Which is probably why some of these movie kids never realized just how serious things were until it was too late.
Awkward Family Road Trips Can Be Quite The Bonding Experience
Whether your parents are separated like Ethan Embry’s are in the underrated Dutch, or if your dad is a Disney legend trying to get to know you through A Goofy Movie, road trips are pretty powerful stuff. One moment you could be bickering over not seeing eye to eye, and the next you’re realizing you’re more alike than you thought.
There’s That One Kid Who Always Has To Be Trouble
In some cases, you can’t even trust your fellow kids in a ‘90s movie. And I’m not just talking about run of the mill bullies either. Both Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son and Michael Oliver in Problem Child proved this point, as they were those kids who always had to be trouble. At least with Problem Child’s Junior, you didn’t have to worry about potential death or psychological scarring.
Treasure Always Equals Danger
If your uncle happens to be hunting for treasure, like in Ducktales The Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp, it’s guaranteed that someone else is going to hunt him, and the rest of his family, for that treasure. Or if you’re a youngster on the high seas like the human protagonist in Muppet Treasure Island, you might run afoul of legendary pirates like Blackbeard (Tim Curry). Either way, treasure equals danger.
Watch Your New Animal Friends Closely
Animals can be cute, but they can also be quite devious. While Dunston Checks In and Monkey Trouble saw some primates schooled in the art of thievery, who’s to say a cat, dog, or any other animal isn’t able to get you into quick trouble with sticky fingers?
Your Teen Years Might Come With Some Magical Powers
When you become a teenager, you start to go through changes in life. For the protagonists in both Halloweentown and the original TV movie for Sabrina the Teenage Witch, that means a certain age brings certain powers. Try to resist the urge to use them for simple whims, and instead fight for good.
Your Parents’ Past Might Include Enemies Who Try To Kidnap/Harm You
Your parents may not have told you everything about their pasts, which in some situations could be harmful to your health. Either you’d wind up like the Banning kids in Hook, who were kidnapped by the titular villain (Dustin Hoffman), or you might find yourself in a life or death scenario like in Kindergarten Cop, where your teacher (Arnold Schwarzenegger) has to defend you from your dad.
If You’re Not Careful, You Might Become A Part Of A Major Financial Crime
Money laundering: it’s something a kid probably doesn’t even think about. But for the kids in Blank Check and Bushwacked, minding their business led to massive amounts of cash, and a ton of trouble.
Shrinking Can Sometimes Lead to Learning a Valuable Lesson
Sometimes, if you want to see the big picture, you’ve got to shrink your worldview. Or if you’re a character in Ferngully: The Last Rainforest or Honey, I Shrunk The Kids, you’ll literally shrink down to the size of a bug to learn more about the world around you. The experience is transformative, provided you survive.
If Robin Williams Is Around, You’re About To Learn Some Important Life Lessons
The best Robin Williams movies are a double sided coin of morality. On one side, he can totally throw the world into chaos, and that definitely happens in both Mrs. Doubtfire and Hook. But at the same time, you could learn some important lessons about being a family, and knowing to appreciate the ones you love, no matter the situation.
It’s Important to Play Nice With Your Toys
Toys can be a lot of fun, but if you happen to play with them the wrong way, you could find yourself learning the lesson that Toy Story bully Sid took away from a staged haunting of the playground variety. Or, if you’re in situation like Small Soldiers, you need to know which toys to trust and which ones to fight.
Random Computer Chips are Almost Never a Good Thing
How did so many ‘90s kids wind up in households with defence-grade computer chips? That same macguffin created the villainous commando elite in Small Soldiers, and was also the object of enemy action in both Home Alone 3 and Mr. Nanny. So if you hear anything about a new top secret piece of hardware in your house, run! Unless, of course, you’ve got a nanny like Hulk Hogan; in which case, you’re probably good.
Makeovers Can Fix Anything… Except the Truth
You could be thinking that the dreamy kid at school wants to give you a makeover out of the goodness of their heart. Or you might be trying to engage in that classic rom-com trope of making that special someone jealous enough to want you in their life. If you’ve watched She’s All That and Drive Me Crazy, you know that not even taking off your glasses can fix the fact that the person you love is standing right in front of you.
Baseball is a Very Strange Sport
‘90s baseball was wild, and I’m not just saying that because of the infamous players strike of ‘94-’95. Through the divine intervention of Angels in the Outfield, a miraculous injury turning a kid pitcher (Thomas Ian Nicholas) into Rookie of the Year, or a 12-year old inheriting his own major league ball club in Little Big League, it all added up to one big message: baseball is a very strange sport.
Becoming an Animated Character is More Dangerous Than You Think
Who doesn’t want to be a a cartoon character as a kid? Well, for starters, the kids at the center of Rock-a-Doodle and the underrated The Pagemaster, who landed themselves into seriously scary trouble the moment they went to ink and paint. Everything has the potential to look horrific in those watercolors, especially in the hands of the legendary Don Bluth.
Well ‘90s kids, I do hope you’ve found this list informative, and those juice boxes refreshing. So if you ever feel life is too boring, or that your family just doesn’t understand you, take a moment. Look at the world around you, and be very careful with your next move. You just might be set up to take a dangerous journey where any of these points of order may come in handy.