If you tuned into the Vice Presidential debate between Mike Pence and Kamala Harris on Tuesday night, you know that a few things went down. One, the Vice President appeared to be nursing a possible case of pink eye, which the internet eagerly reminded us is sometimes a symptom of COVID-19. Two, he seemed to have a cold sore that got worse as the night went on. And, most disturbingly, a fly took up residence on his head for an interminable two minutes, the strongest indication that he was rotting before our very eyes:
Insects who have seen too much aside, the debate effectively consisted of Harris cogently explaining Joe Biden’s positions and Mike Pence—who exuded all the charm of a lukewarm pile of mashed potatoes—lying about the Trump administration’s record while refusing to answer a single question for 90 straight minutes. Asked how he accounts for Team Trump’s abysmal response to the coronavirus pandemic compared to the responses of other wealthy nations, Pence responded that “From the very first day President Trump has put the health of Americans first,” which is just objectively false considering that well into the crisis he was lying to Americans about the virus’s health risks.
Continuing on that topic while still refusing to answer the question, Pence attacked Biden and Barack Obama’s leadership when it came to the Swine Flu, claiming, bizarrely, that if it had been as bad as COVID-19, many more people would have died. (H1NI1 killed approximately 0.66 percent as many people as COVID-19.)
When the topic moved to climate change, the VP hilariously insisted that the Trump administration will listen to science and then pivoted to taxes:
Asked if he’s ever had a conversation with Trump about presidential disability, Pence insisted that the administration will be rolling out a COVID vaccine ASAP (which may or may not have something to do with the fact that the president was hopped up on experimental drugs over the weekend and has received supplemental oxygen numerous since since contracting COVID-19). Pressed on transparency, Pence proclaimed that Trump is a “businessman” and a job creator. Asked how the Trump administration would protect preexisting conditions if the Affordable Care Act is struck down, which Trump is currently trying to do, Pence answered that he’s pro-life and “Joe Biden and Kamala Harris support taxpayer-funding of abortion all the way up to the moment of birth.” Which, in addition to not answering the question, is patently false and Pence’s take on Trump’s insane claim that Democrats support “executing” newborns. On Trump’s embrace of white supremacists, the VP actually did deign to answer the question, claiming that Trump can’t be a racist because he has Jewish grandchildren.
When the topic actually was about abortion and what he would like to see states do should Amy Coney Barrett help the Supreme Court overturn Roe v Wade, Pence proceeded to talk about ISIS without mentioning abortion once:
Obviously, we already know what Pence’s stance on abortion is: he signed every anti-abortion bill that crossed his desk as governor of Indiana; he banned private insurance coverage of abortion; he enacted a law that forced women to pay for funerals for miscarriages; he waged a “one-man crusade” against Planned Parenthood; and he tried to get Congress to redefine rape to limit federal funding for abortions to women who were the victims of “forcible rape,” i.e. he thinks there’s a type of rape that’s consensual, and that if it results in a pregnancy a woman should be forced to carry that child to term. As many have pointed out, however, his decision not to proclaim his long-held desire to declare women vessels probably had something to do with the fact that even the Trump debate prep team knows the majority of Americans support abortion access.
Finally, asked what he would do if Trump refuses to accept a peaceful transfer of power—which the president has indicated will be the case—Pence spent his two minutes repeating his boss’s favorite conspiracy theory that Barack Obama spied on his 2016 campaign:
In other words, he wouldn‘t do anything, except maybe barricade himself in the Oval Office with Trump. Anyway, if you’d like to commemorate the night evening, the Biden campaign has a special offer for you:
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