On Monday night the DNC launched its first virtual convention, “Quick Bites for Democracy.” As is usually the case with political conventions, the night consisted of short speeches and presentations on this year’s theme: “OH NO!!!” Instead of delivering their speeches from a podium in a noisy arena, politicos, advocates, ordinary Americans, extraordinary Americans, and assorted complicated figures Zoomed in from well-appointed bookshelf rooms to encourage the nation to reconsider gleefully skipping into the Apocalypse. Each of the videos was so much more beautifully produced than literally anything we’ve seen over the last five months of grainy Instagram Lives and choppy Skype broadcasts. That, alone, is reason enough to get me out of the house to Ocean’s Eleven my ballot out of the shuttered local post office. If the DNC presented a ticket that was just Video Editors and Sound Engineers 2020, I’d be on board.
Television’s Eva Longoria Bastón had the unenviable job of hosting the night in an empty studio that definitely gave off PBS fundraising drive vibes. I kept expecting her to tell me that if I gave $20, they’d send me the complete set of a British mystery series called something like Winterbourne and Soames: On Holiday. I haven’t seen the original Winterbourne and Soames nor the second series Winterbourne and Soames: Cold Comfort but I am intrigued, I must admit.
The night’s highlights included short talks from frontline workers and ordinary Americans and an avant-garde performance from Republican John Kasich. Some would say that a Republican former governor speaking out in favor of a Democratic candidate is a remarkable step and we shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth by critiquing it. Unfortunately, that gift horse has been conscripted into the Pony Express to rescue my mail order prescription from Louis DeJoy’s basement. So, here we are.
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John Kasich showing up at the DNC to deliver a message to Republicans is actual farce. Are the nation’s Republicans taking the evening off of screaming about masks and tooting their boat horns so they can tune into a political convention for the opposition party? Babe, that’s not good time management. Kasich popping up on Democratic TV going “Are there some Rs in this house?” is like rolling into an independent bookstore with a heartfelt message for Amazon’s biggest supporters. Speaking about being at a crossroads from an ACTUAL CROSSROAD, Kasich channeled Britney Spears’s movie career, Bone Thugs + Harmony, and also last year’s Met gala “Notes on Camp.” They hired a location scout for this. Kasich was like “Someone resurrect Robert Frost and ask him where that diverged road is. I’m trying to see something.”
I’m confused about these crossroads. Are we at a crossroads? I’m down the street with my go bag. I would not consider this a crossroad. Since November of 2016 I’ve been like “Call me Chantal Kreviazuk, cuz I’m leaving on a jet plane.” If the thing that finally gets you to a crossroad is five months of pandemic, massive unemployment, a wealth gap that rivals the time period before the French Revolution, and the repeated delay of the movie Tenet, I’d hate to see what will actually get you to turn the corner. While it’s nice that Kasich is starting to suspect that Trump is maybe not the best choice, I do wish that somewhere along this journey he’d come around to the actual ideas that undergird the Democratic party. Would’ve been nice if one of those crossroads was Women’s Bodily Autonomy Avenue but I guess that’s the next block over.
Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. (Actually, the whole deal with crossroads is that they are both here and there so… call me a Lyft, cuz I’m lost.) The main event of the evening was, of course, one of the cornerstones of our democracy: Michelle Obama giving an extraordinary speech in an attempt to coax America into getting itself together. Folks. Folks. Folks. We can’t keep asking her to do this. This has happened so much that there’s now a “Michelle Obama rousing speech” TikTok challenge. It’s so foundational to our nation that there’s a whole song about it in Hamilton on Disney+. We have to come up with a better hobby than politically disappointing Michelle Obama. Whatever happened to all those sourdough starters? Disappoint Michelle Obama with your underwhelming loaf, America.
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Make no mistake, hearing Michelle Obama speak is one of the only true joys left here at the crossroads of Despair Drive and Am I On Mute Manor. With her trademark gravitas she reminded viewers of a little thing called empathy, something that’s sorely lacking in the current leadership. Taking on the burdensome work of fore-bearers like Fannie Lou Hamer and Sojourner Truth, Obama made an emphatic plea for Americans to participate in a political system that is often actively working against us, noting that change is possible. Channeling literally everyone in the nation she declared “I hate politics,” but acknowledged that politics is what we have to work with right now. She also ably dispatched of Donald Trump, stating the fact that he’s just not up for the job, he’s been a failure on every level, and that he “cannot meet this moment.” While it was as true and as sharp as ever, I fear that not even reading Donald Trump for filth sparks joy.
But Michelle Obama, she still sparks joy. Even now as I try to Shawshank my way into Louis DeJoy’s mail vault. It’s unprecedented and extraordinary to ask a former first lady and private citizen to make such a direct repudiation of a sitting president. It is invigorating to see people step up in whatever ways they can, but the fact remains we can’t keep asking Michelle Obama to wake the nation up by clanging the Liberty Bell every four years. Michelle Obama is trying to live her private citizen life in peace, folks. She’s trying hang out in her basement, make her podcast, and live in a nation where hundreds of thousands of people aren’t dying or being disenfranchised in pursuit of profit but apparently that’s a controversial idea? I’d think about it more, but the cars behind me at this crossroads have started to honk, so I gotta go. See you tomorrow at DNC presents Winterbourne and Soames: Freedom’s Harvest!
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